Week long post

Monday.
Today was a cool day. I was pretty much bitching about this class to a co-worker over lunch. She, being the good friend that she is, was totally taking my side. However, being the better friend that she is, she offered lots of suggestions on how to fix it. Through talking to her I realized that I would have to participate. Sometimes you have to take your own advice and run with it. I always say you create your own happiness, if you don't like something then change it. So yeah, I needed to change it. However, then when I get to class it was SO much better. I wanted to participate, I liked the conversation. I felt like more people were into the conversation.

During class I had received 2 calls. One from a friend that I don't see very often and the other from a guy who is helping me with my independent study. He is EXTREMELY hard to get a hold of. Just as class was letting out Ginny called. I talked to her for a while then let her go, to check the messages from Sarah and Joel. Joel said he had the files I needed and I could pick them up tomorrow. Which is awesome, because I REALLY need those file to start on my independent study. Sarah wanted to talk to me about my possible interest in Slippery Rock University. I called Joel back and he didn't answer so I left a message. I think called Ginny back to talk to her until she needed to get in for class.

I then called Sarah back. I love talking to Sarah, mainly because she likes to listen. I love to ramble, and over-explain; Sarah likes to ask questions. It's pretty much a match made in heaven. I talked to her about how excited I am with the class at this point, and how "What the bleep do we know" would have to lead to an awesome conversation. I then transitioned into graduate school.

Recently I have become closer to the mental image I have had in my head. Ya know, the idea of the person you would be. It's kind of amazing to be able to look at myself and see that guy, or to hear people refer to me as that guy. I want to be a passionate man. A man that lives off of his passions, and does what he wants to do. Someone who stands on the outside of the stairs, but only when and if he wants to... not because it's opposite of the norm. Anyway, I get a lot of slack for being 'green' and even more slack for being a vegetarian; but these are things I am passionate about. Well at least the green thing, the vegetarian thing is really just a preference that has added benefits. I have always had dreams of leaving my mark on the world and being of the people, for the people. I want to help. I want to create. I want to live dreams and create them. Recently my work live has changed. There has been a slight hiccup. No big deal, just that things are a little different. I have a career; this is my seventh year with the same company. Because of this hiccup I feel like I can finally move on from the company. Don't get my wrong; my company is great; which makes it really hard to leave. However, it was never what I wanted to do. I needed a job, and feel in love with the company. I appreciate everything they have done for me, but I think this will be my last year. Upon the completion of my undergraduate education, I plan to move on with my career. I have been looking into possible paths. I feel like I have a lot of options. It was pretty stressful. However, I stumbled upon the notion of getting a Master's degree in Environmental Education. It will not make me a lot of money, but I think I would love every minute of it. If I could actually turn it into the career I would like to make it into. I have even found the perfect place to study. It's a ton of money, and a lot of trouble to get it worked out... but it's what I want to do. That's what I love about passion. It makes you feel unstoppable. You do thinks that make no sense to anyone else and perfect sense to you. You don't even think about it, you just follow your heart. Looking back on situations you wonder, "What was I thinking," "How did I even do it?" It's almost beyond you. For those that believe in a higher being, it's their calling, or God's will.

I try to stay aware of these situations. I feel like I am lucky enough to have this happen quite often. I believe that everything happens for a reason. So often I am analyzing everything. Asking myself what role certain events played in my life.

For example: One of my good friends from high school, decided to take time off of school and move to Arizona with another friend. She needed someone to take over her lease. She pretty much pressured me into it, so I took it. During that move I got a job with Verizon, met an amazing woman that I feel in love with, and found a community that I never knew existed... but it fit me like a glove. About a year and a half after we officially got together, we broke up. This break-up is what leads to me moving to Indianapolis. I needed to move on in my career, make more money to be able to support myself, and I was encouraged by my District Manager to apply for a position in Indianapolis. Here, I had the opportunity to build a name for myself within the company so when my dream position was finally created; I was the first one they thought of. This position has really flexible hours. A friend told me about this program at IUPUI that sounded exactly like the program I would create for myself if the university would allow me. Because I had the new job, I would have no problems going to school, and Verizon would pay for it to boot. Additionally, a friend had invited me to a fundraiser about 3 1/2 years ago. I get paid pretty well and like to give back whenever I can, so he knew I would like to do. The fundraiser was all older people, but that didn't bother us much. We found an empty table, put our coats down and went to check out the silent auction. When we returned two beautiful, college-aged women were at our table. It was like, the God's were smiling down on us. I know this because we weren't both attracted to the same woman, because that's how it always happens. My friend, being the smooth guy that he is, convinced these women to leave the fundraiser and go with us to the diner around the corner. We talked, ate, and then my friend go the number of the girl that I was attracted to. It turned out to be the wrong number. I knew that she had given him the wrong number because she had a Bloomington Verizon phone number, and she had given him a prefix that we didn't own. I just let it go; thinking that she probably wasn't interested. About a week later, my friend went to this restaurant that was a few blocks from his house, and the other woman worked there. My friend, being the straightforward guy that he is, asked her why the other woman had given us the wrong number. She checked her phone, it turned out that she had the wrong number in her phone as well. So the other woman did not intend to give us the wrong number, she just didn't know her number. A year and a half after the fundraiser, my roommate and I were planning a trip to Cancun for spring break. I then received an Alternative Spring Break email with pictures of New Orleans after the hurricane. I apologized to my roommate, but felt too strongly about this trip to not go. I called school to make sure there were still openings for the trip. There were. I immediately took off of work, went across the street to the ATM, and headed down to school. When I got there the final spots had been filled, but there was another trip that hadn't filled up yet. It wasn't doing the same type of work, but I had already planned to do service work over break instead of lying on a beach, so that's what I should continue to do. I agreed to go on the other trip. At our first meeting, I see that the attractive woman from the fundraiser is also going on this trip. Me, being the extremely shy guy that I surprisingly am, avoided her the entire time. I desperately tried to stay far away from her and never make eye contact. She finally approached me, and couldn't remember where she recognized me from. I reminded her, and she explained how she had only had the phone for a short period and then apologized. A couple of days later I finally got up the nerve to ask her for some coffee. Two years later we share a home together. In my mind, it never world have happened if my friend would have stayed in school. In all actuality... that's EXACTLY how my mind works.

When you see the world like such, it's so easy to find the silver lining in everything. It's easy to be thankful for everything. To stay positive during bad times or tough situations. It's amazing what a positive attitude can do.

I have really gotten off track in this entry, but my point is that I feel alive again. I am extremely excited about what is to come. I would love to attend North Cascades Institute in Sedro-Woolley Washington to pursue a Master's of Education in Environmental Education and Certificate in Leadership and Nonprofit Administration. I feel like I have direction, purpose, and passion. I feel optimistic and blessed. I feel youthful but wise. I feel useful, unstoppable, and worthy. I feel good, amazing. The feeling is truly amazing, I wish everyone had something that made him or her feel like this.

Tuesday.
It felt nice to have Logan be able to see how much the grad school program means to me. I feel like things are coming together again. Things have been strange at work lately. I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason. I feel like the stuff at work has certainly lead me to grad school. It’ll be some time before I will be able to start graduate classes, considering I still need to finish my undergrad. No worries though. It’s just nice to have something to strive for. That’s why it’s strange at work. For a year and a half I was working toward something. Then it happened, but not like I thought it would. So then I was left thinking, “Hmmm, what now?” And here I am. I now have a new preverbal carrot to reach for. I guess I am one of those people. I need motivation; I need something to live for, to work for. The lyrics from an Ani DiFranco song have been playing in my head for a while now. The song is “What If No One’s Watching” and essentially it’s about the belief in god. There is more to it, but that’s the general theme of the song. The lyric that really resonates with me is, “If you’re not trying to make something better then as far as I can tell you are just in the way.” On the larger scheme we should all be trying to make the world a better place. On the smaller scheme we should be making our lives better, our days better, our moments better. I feel as if that’s where my motivation comes from. I need to focus on making something better. In the long run I hope to have a career than with better the lives of many people. I’m that guy. I am still a believer. I am extremely hopeful. A bit naive but hopeful and eager. I need something to get me out of bed in the morning.

Wednesday.
Today I went to a co-worker’s apartment, after work. Ginny had to close, so it would have just been the dogs and me at our house. So I went over to Mary’s. Mary is a pretty cool person, but she doesn’t really have any friends. Not because she’s not likeable, just because she hasn’t taken the time to make friends outside of work. I’ve known her from a couple of years, since she has worked for the company. However, she just moved up from Bloomington, so she doesn’t know a lot of people in this area. I have been working out of her store a lot lately, mainly just so I could talk to her. She’s a lot of fun. Ginny refers to her as my work girlfriend. I’m not interested in Mary like that, which Ginny knows, and that’s why she jokes about it. In actuality, I was talking to Mary about a friend of mine, because they are both single. I know that Mary and my friend would never actually work out, but I think they could have some fun together. I think they wouldn’t work out because of my friend’s identity. Which he and I share the same identity, so through talking to Mary about him… I ended up telling her about me. Apparently she already knew, because someone else had already told her. That doesn’t bother me, but I think it’s cool that she knew and it didn’t seem to change her opinion of me… or treat me differently. That’s why I ended up going over to her place; she said we weren’t finished with our conversation. Which we never ended up talking about once I got to her place. I mainly just got to know her better. We talked a lot about things. I always enjoy being able to talk freely with someone. To speak about my past experiences exactly like they were, without being careful of how much I say. I don’t lie; I just omit certain things. Which makes me wonder how people who are liars, live. I hate that I feel as if I need to omit certain things, that people will not understand if I tell the whole story. Which everyone does to some existent. Maybe we leave things out to make the story shorter or more interesting; maybe we leave things out because they aren’t important. Who knows? We all do it though. I leave it out because it’s not important, because it is a long story, because I don’t know whom to trust, because it’s personal. I leave it out because I choose to, and that’s my right. For people that are pathological liars though, how do they do it? How do they not feel remorse? How do they keep everything straight? How do they ever feel close to anyone? How do they even know themselves?

Thursday.
In true Evan and Ginny fashion we got into a small tiff today. Like clockwork; the two of us. When we first got together, we stopped celebrating our anniversary because something would always end up happening. Not something horrible, just something that was not so nice. Like today, being that it is Valentine’s Day. I have been really excited about visiting a school that I am interested in. I have already looked into travel costs, and decided when I am going. However, Ginny has all these ideas, and has added her input, but hasn’t told me if she is really going or not. I have decided to fly to Washington, and I have found a really good deal on tickets. The longer I wait, the more likely that the tickets will go up in cost. So I was a little frustrated when I called her today and found out that she hasn’t asked for the time off. I asked her if she understood how important this was for me. She said I think so. I said do you know what I am talking about. Then she got frustrated. LMAO. She thought I was being condescending. God I love us. It was not big deal. It was actually a misunderstanding. Any other day, we would have totally understood each other. We get along pretty well and have pretty good lines of communication. We had actually gotten everything cleared up before we got off the phone. I feel like that’s the true testament of our relationship, it’s not that we don’t disagree it’s that we talk through our disagreements and reach a compromise.
On a different topic, why is it that people only recognize or celebrate the person that they love a couple of days out of the year? How many people asked me what I bought Ginny for Valentine’s day, or what we were doing tonight. I told the majority of them that my friend and my girlfriend were going on a date. They both want to see a movie that comes out today. As it turns out they aren’t going to go tonight, maybe tomorrow though. I’m glad that Ginny isn’t one of those people though. She would be shocked if I did want to celebrate our relationship on a day that doesn’t even mean anything to us. It’s one thing if you choose your anniversary as a day to celebrate and reminisce. Hopefully that day has significant meaning for the two of you. I have some friends that celebrate their anniversary every month, and they have been married for almost 20 years I think. I think that’s amazing. They have probably been together for so long because they do actually love each other and celebrate that love on a regular basis. I think that’s awesome.
So I grabbed some of my mail out of the box before heading to the gym. I got information from two of the schools I am looking into. I was reading up on the schools while I was doing some cardio. I have decided to put the visits of until I have been accepted. No sense in wasting money to visit a school that I might not get into. Too bad I didn’t have this realization earlier, it could have save Ginny and I from the tiff. LOL

Last class

The last meeting was the best meeting so far, in my opinion. I think it was because I had my own time.

I don't think the communication issue in the class has as much to do with people being afraid as it has to do with the closed-mindedness and hostility of the class.

I think when people are selected to speak they add to the conversations. Currently it's the same people who are volunteering to speak.

I wonder if we could have a panel come in and speak to us.

I think being some place where we could see each other's faces would help as well. As much as sitting in a circle is lame, I really think that would help.

I used to feel

My emotional life is very different today than it was a few years ago. There was a time when I felt everything! My heart was visibly outside of my body. I was so sensitive. I guess to a point I am still sensitive, but it’s different now. In August of 2002 I made a decision. That one decision set into play a process that would permanently alter the course of my life. During that process I changed, much for the better… but a few things, for the worse. Losing my emotional sensitivity was certainly for the worse.

I have had the opportunity to maintain many different relationships with persons living with bi-polar tendencies (disorder seems a little too negative). One woman explained to me why she chose to take medication. I was really curious about her decision, because so many people make the same decision to or not to medicate for so many different reasons. For me, I think of all the genius, musical talent, and creativity that doctors try to suppress with medication. Who would want to lose that, especially when it is in exchange to better fit into this believed ‘society’? For her, she was lucky enough to find a medication that didn’t actually suppress her emotions; moreover, the drugs lessened the high peaks and deep valleys of her emotional roller coaster.

I feel much the same. I still have peaks and valleys; they are just much less noticeable. Before my high moments felt like Mt. Everest and lows like the Colca Canyon (world’s deepest canyon). These days my emotions seem more like the Bonneville Salt Flats. In reality, I do have ups and downs… just not like before. I have speed bumps that I slow for and try to relish and potholes that I hit at full force after failed attempts to swerve.

To honestly speak about what moves me, I would need to speak more of what has moved me. Things in my past that will forever live with me, through the brand they have placed in my mind.

I grew up the youngest of 7 in a single-parent home. I don’t have one memory of their ever being a father in our home. My father is an 82 year old, 6’2”, black, veteran, living in Southern Indiana. I think I have seen him once since his wife died. Faye died in 2002, from lymphoma. At the time my brother Jody and his girlfriend were pregnant with my nephew. Faye was convinced that Lacey was having twins. Maybe it was just wishful hoping. Faye never had any children of her own, my brother and I were the closest thing she had. My father never really had any interest in us, so we never really had any interest in Faye. Because of Faye we had to go over to their house and spend time with our father. Dad would be listening to the game on a black and white portable TV and working a puzzle at the same time. My dad and I got along ok, but my dad and my brother were/are like oil and water. My dad grew up in an orphanage and never really knew how to love. He lectured us. I understood this, Jody never didn't.

When Faye passed away, I cried. For days, I cried. I took time off from work, and went back ‘home’. When I got there my mom and one of my older brothers were going through Faye’s stuff, dad was off doing something else. You could tell that my mother had been crying for a long time. For my dad, it was like any other day.

In 2001 I moved out of my mom’s house for the last time. I was the last of the kids. For 44 years my mom had children around the house. In 2001 she became a mother hen tending to an empty nest. I worried about her. My mother only ever wanted to be a mother; she had no interest in being a wife. In her 60’s she was alone for the first time in over 40 years. My step-mom stepped in. My mom and my step-mom became best friends. When I would visit I could barely catch a moment of my mother’s time, she and Faye always had some kind of plans.

When Faye died it all came together. I realized the impact she had on all of our lives. For me and Jody she was the wicket step-mother that controlled our Father. In reality, I wouldn’t have known my father if it weren’t for Faye. In the third grade my name was legally changed, both my brother and I had been born with my mother’s last name. At the time I was 9 and Jody was 12, why would he care whose name we had? Faye cared, and Faye wanted a family, and she was glad to have us. She bought the birthday gifts, cards, and baked the cakes. She and my mom watched out for each other.

I was riddled with guilt. I never told her. I never knew. I never thanked her. I was so mean. She did so much. She meant so much. I loved her. I did. I do. I will, always.

Today, Faye is found in my writing, my music, and my understanding of relationships. The moment and the feelings are still fresh within me. The valleys aren’t so deep, but they are there.

Devante Kane entered the world on the coat-tails of Faye’s exiting. He filled the void. In the hospital I was sad that Faye wasn’t there, but hoped she was able to experience it in her own way. Once again my mother’s home would be filled with children. Today she acts as full-time daycare for 2 grandkids and occasional care for a few others.

What if reality

What if we felt no pain?
http://lukesblogn485.blogspot.com/

I really love this question, “What if we felt no pain?”: but what kind physical or emotional?

If we felt no physical pain
If we felt no physical pain, how would we know when we needed to go to the hospital? Barring something major like constant vomiting or protruding bones, we use pain level to determine severity. Once I stepped on a sewing needle. In that one step, the needle went completely into my foot. I had no idea the needle was still in my foot, except that I had a lot of pain. My brother had appendicitis when he was younger, if it weren’t for the pain he would have never thought to go to the hospital. Essentially, if we had no physical pain people would either take every little scratch as a major injury or shrug serious injuries off because they felt no pain. This is just talking about one aspect of no physical pain. On the community side, people wouldn’t fear death as much if they knew there would be no pain. Crime would likely increase.

If we felt no emotional pain
If we felt no emotional pain, we might be a happier people but we would certainly be empty. How much can you really feel for someone if you feel no emotional pain when they leave, be it through death or abandonment? I’m not sure we could actually love without emotional pain. We really know that someone loves us when they stick it out through the tough times. Would there be ‘tough’ times if there were no emotional pain? What is emotional pain? I feel emotionally pained when I hear what people go through, then I want to help them. Would we even have social non-profits, if there were no emotional pain? The world, as we currently know it, would certainly deteriorate. We would exist as emotionless people. What is white without black, or dark without light. We would just exist, shells. We would be robots going through the motions of life incapable of grasping how amazing things are. We would have no desire to create new things or to research. The past would be forgotten and the future would no exist.

The gist of this story, life would suck! I wouldn’t want to live a life without pain. Without pain I would never be able to truly appreciate the non-pained times. I would like to have a discussion with others on this topic. What do you think?

Video Reactions

The Cathedral
I have watched “The Cathedral” in a couple other classes, so I don’t really have much of a response. I think the work is good, but don’t really understand the storyline. Is it just meant to be a ‘look what I can do’ movie or does everything that happens actually play into a storyline? It’s got to be a ‘look what I can do’ movie, because they spend way too much ‘camera time’ on things that are excessive. That kind of thing bothers me, mainly because I feel like it’s false advertisement. According to the little bit of research I did, the movie is supposedly based on a Jacek Dukaj’s novel. Maybe if I read the book, I could better understand the storyline of “The Cathedral.” I also found this:

Synopsis: Story of a pilgrim who comes to a Cathedral on the border of the known world. He wants to kind answers. He finds calmness.

I don’t think the movie conveys that at all. Really, the guy’s calm? You turned him into a tree! How is that calm? You mean, he is stuck and has to live the rest of his life as a tree. Maybe he submits to his reality, but ‘finds calmness’? Come on now.

art:21
It’s a PBS production, so automatically I have to love it. I’m a green, vegetarian, NPR-listenin’, PBS-watchin’ kind of guy. I am thankful that my TV picks up 4 PBS channels. Without PBS, I don’t know if I would turn my TV on. Anyway, that was mainly a response to a comment in class and no so much the show.

In regard to art:21, I am always a little conflicted with the styles of art that would be highlighted in shows like art:21. I believe a lot of modern art/ contemporary art/ art in the 21st century is something that any of us can do; and that’s where the dichotomy comes in. I hate going to museums and seeing some of the modern art displayed there. I’m like, “really, this is art? My baby niece did something better than this last week.” Just the same, I love seeing that kind of stuff because it allows me to believe my work could be displayed in that same museum. On one hand I want art to be seen as something that only a few, very talented people can do. On the other hand, I want people to understand that art is everywhere, in everything that we do. I guess this is personal to me because I am such an art junky; I love everything artistic. I want to constantly be surrounded my creative people. I would love everyone to understand themselves as artists. However, art would certainly lose its allure if everyone felt like there work was better than everyone else’s. Like the guy on art:21 with the musical instrument stuff, that’s something that everyone could do. Just make up some directions, and follow them; whereas it’s different with photographers. I can be at the same spot, at the same time, with the same equipment as an Ansel Adams; but I will never be able to capture the same feel in my picture. I could go on forever, but I digress.

Robot Chicken
I feel similarly about Robot Chicken as I do art:21. It’s not top of the line quality, but it’s certainly creative and different. There is the same dichotomy though. I like that it looks like something some folks in our program put together as a final project, but should it be on DVD or television?